The Top Ten Harchester United Players Of All Time

Mikey Traynor
By Mikey Traynor
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Sky One's incredibly consistent and absolutely mental football based soap opera Dream Team is a show that is close the heart of many football fans who were lucky enough to have access to Sky One in the late 90's/early 00's.

If we didn't already know there was a cult following of Harchester United, then the brilliant reaction to our piece on the best storylines that made Dream Team so great proved that point to be true.

So now we're back at The Dragon's Lair to bring you our countdown of the Top 10 players ever to pull on the cursed purple jersey.

Honorable Mentions:

Clyde Connolly: A truly gifted player, Connolly tragically lost his battle with depression and took his own life.
Jason Porter: "Tyre Boy" lived the dream after he was plucked from the crowd of a friendly match and given a chance, which he took by scoring the winning goal and signing as a Premiership player.
Didier Baptiste: The enigmatic French midfielder was unstoppable on his day, his career ended in scandal after he purposely missed a penalty to throw a match on the orders of his manager.

#10 - Eddie Moliano

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Bad boy Eddie Moliano was a decent player, but it was his character and bubbly personality that endeared him to Dragons fans. Eddie wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, which we saw as he famously mistook an aerosol deodorant rash on his private parts as meningitis and terrified the entire team.

#9 - Billy O'Neill

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The "Scouse Mouse" arrived from Liverpool with a big reputation. Early trouble in the form of theft of a Nintendo 64 from a local high street shop gave way to wiser decisions as O'Neill matured greatly as a Dragon. He moved on to West Ham, and is one of the few Harchester United players who didn't die.

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#8 - Marcel Sabatier

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Another gifted Frenchman operating in midfield, Sabatier was signed to push the club towards the Champions League places. He was soon made captain, and in terms of talent was one of the very best for The Dragons. He even had a John O'Shea style moment in goal, but sadly was eventually killed by a hitman who intended to kill Stuart Naysmith, a bald, black man. An easy mistake to make.

#7 - Jamie Parker

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England international goalkeeper Jamie Parker was a mainstay for Harchester United before he ran into personal troubles due to his gambling. His wife Tash Parker was absolutely sensational, but it all ended in tears for Parker as he lost his mind and held the entire first team squad hostage in the changing room before being killed by a swat team.

#6 - Scott Lucas

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Eddie Moliano's partner in crime (before he slept with his sister), Lucas was a prolific striker signed to replace the biggest legend in the club's history. After another affair with his captain's wife, Scott became a father and settled down in London after signing with Chelsea. Again, congratulations has to go to Scott Lucas for not dying.

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#5 - Vivian "Jaws" Wright

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A complete and utter nut-job, but a damn fine keeper, Jaws struck fear into the heart of his team-mates, who were constantly walking on egg shells due to a number of mental health issues. After earning the trust of the fans and players alike, Viv was appointed player manager where he steered the club to a Champions League quarter final and a playoff win, but unfortunately perished in the bus explosion at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff.

#4 - Monday Bandele

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A true power-house striker signed from Monaco, Monday Bandele was a Nigerian international and a genuine world-class player. While a hero to the fans and respected in the dressing room, Bandele missed the ill-fated trip to the UEFA Cup Final through injury but was soon sold to Galatasaray in an attempt to keep the club afloat financially.

#3 - Ryan Naysmith

Ricky Whittle - Dream Team  ©Sam Webb for Sky One 14/8/04

The heart and soul and the Harchester United re-build following their relegation to the Championship, Ryan overcame numerous difficulties such as his father having to entering the witness protection programme, his best friend dying, his dog dying, and murdering a ticket-tout who was blackmailing him over the theft of match tickets. Still, Ryan didn't die in the end and bowed out with an FA Cup win and and England cap.

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#2 - Luis Amor Rodriguez

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It breaks my heart to have to put the iconic Luis Amor Rodriguez at number two in this list, but that says more about number one than it is a knock on the brilliant Argentinian. Rodriguez was probably the most talented player ever to play for The Dragons, and captained the side to an FA Cup win, where he was shot while lifting the trophy because he was having an affair with Linda Block. Luis left in a blaze of glory as he scored the goal that kept Harchester in the Premier League. Thank you, Luis Amor Rodriguez.

#1 - Carl Fletcher

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There is absolutely no way that the number one spot could go to anyone other than Carl "Fletch" Fletcher. The man is Harchester United. All time leading goalscorer, Fletch enjoyed two spells at The Dragon's Lair after a brief stint at Mallorca in Spain. Affairs, illegitimate children, match-fixing scandals, fist fights, and getting his bit with almost every woman who featured on the show, Carl Fletcher did it all before he died after being impaled on a dressing room peg by manager Don Barker. But really, Fletch sums himself up better than anyone else could in this clip, which might be a candidate for the best television moment of all time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90M8jyAYag8

Bosh!

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